The One and Only Harry Potter
by TheUnimportantFork
Summary: An action packed story. Harry Potter teams up with Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy and Neville Longbottom to make it through the year. AU.
1. The Story of my Life

frst tme wriitter, pls n flme

first time writer. summary sucks but story is better i promise. flames will be used to cook MARSHMALLOWS :))))) please review

I don't own the game Truth or Dare.

*************because a plain line is boring******************************

I lived. I died. I was alive. I was dead.

This is the life of Harry Potter.

Chapter 1.

I was born in Suffix County England. I was told this by my parents. Before they died.

That's right. They died. I hope you're happy, thinking all these terrible things about me! Just remember, I had no parents. You did. Look who feels stupid now. (It's you, it's always been you). (If you didn't have parents, then you're cool like me).

My fellow scholar, Aaron, says that he was an immaculate birth, (as in, perfectly immaculate, get with the flow, Jesus). That means he's cool like me. He doesn't have that taint of human flesh.

But back to the story. It's not a story. It's history. A history of gods. More specifically of me. The god. Harry Potter.

When I was one year old I remembered that I was super awesome, and I caught the snitch in my family's quidditch game. They knew I was special. You should too.

I had a tiny kid broom. I used it to surf around the house, looking super awesome cool and godlike. It couldn't go fast, so I imbued it with my awesome raw magical power so that it would go three times the speed of a light year. That's how awesome I am.

Sirius and Lupin and my mum and da were playing a quidditch game against Professor McGonagall, Snape, Alice and Frank Longbottom.

They were discussing what their plans were if they died during the war. I overheard Alice and Frank saying that they had a memory casket stored in my parent's house so that if they were attacked the memories could be passed on to Neville. I stored this in my super-long lasting memory (note that is super-long, not super long-lasting, but it is super long-lasting too).

That done, I saw the snitch right in front of Snapes' nose. I zoomed ahead at full speed, and caught the snitch before Snape even noticed it was there. Aw Yea. #quidditchballer

My parents were really happy for my awesomeness. When I returned they congratulated me and then screamed because they realized I was only one. They realized that I was a genius, and so they sent me to work at an Apple Store in the Genius Bar.

They got arrested for making me do forced child labor (and letting me serve and drink alcohol, and lots of other things really). The jailer was named Voldemort. He hated terrible people, and he killed them while they were in jail. He kills inmates who didn't deserve to go back to society.

Because my parents were killed (one reason out of 190302489 explaining why I'm awesome) I was given to Alice and Frank Longbottom to live with. Alice and Frank was a really nice personish thing. Alice and Frank is a castrated male dragon. Alice and Frank raised me with their dragon son, Neville Longbottom. We became super awesome dragon pals. I was a dragon rider and I was taught to ride on Neville. That sounds sexual but it isn't. That was a purely platonic relationship.

On Halloween, a crazy escaped inmate named Bellatrix Lestrange found Alice and Frank, and because she hated dragons she tortured Alice and Frank into insanity. Alice and Frank could have fought back, but because he is a nice dragon he did not fight back and became insane.

Time skip.

Now it's 780 AD.

You may have thought that I was skipping forwards in time to when I was older. You are wrong. It is now 780 AD.

You aren't alive yet. How does that make you feel? Nothing. Because you aren't alive.

Time skip.

Now it's the 1980s. (I don't know the exact time, because who really pays attention to dates? I sure don't. That's why I don't like history quizzes.)

Because Bellatrix tortured Frank and Alice I was forced to run away with Neville. We flew to the US. I learned how to speak da merican speak. Now I will try not to do that anymore.

We decided to go to New York, where I met a cool dude named Tony Stark. Tony is a female witch from the 1970s. He's really good with toilets, so he's a plumber. He met Mario (at comicon).

I didn't like him, so I went back to Suffix, partially so I could get a suffix for my name. Because you can only get suffixes in Suffix. Longbottom (that's cause he has a tail) realized that we were now Elven, so we could go to Hogwarts. That's because there is no age limit for the Elven People. We decided to go to Hogwarts. Once we were there, we didn't go to classes for 10 years. (That means that he went to school with the people from cannon, because he was one when he left).

The School Years.

It was time for school. I'm awesome and all, so I knew to arrive early to get on the Hogwarts Express. I went onto the platform at 7:00 pm, and slept in a corner until it was time to go. I had Neville as a blanket though so I was warm. (dragon wings are warm).

I was woken up by the shrill screech of an owl. It was Harry Potter's owl. Oh wait, that's me. I have an owl.

It was 9:00 am, so I had two hours until the train left. I got on the train and sat in a compartment. I was bored, so I transfigured a pool out of one of the benches. I went swimming until 10:45 am, when I was interrupted by a girl coming in. She introduced herself as The Thermionic Ranger. That's her nickname (and spell check correction), her real name is Hermione Granger.

We became the best of friends. Later Ron Weasely came in and demanded that she leave the compartment so that he could spend time with his hero. (That's me!). I demanded Ron leave because he is a terrible person, who hated muggles because his cousin is a muggle but he doesn't talk to the muggle person. He's also a terrible person because I just simply knew that he would abandon me the moment that anything difficult came around. Then Draco Malfoy came in. He was really jelly of Neville, because Neville is an actual dragon but Draco is just named after one. Draco and I became the second best of friends (my first is Hermione - The thermionic ranger). Dracos father always gave him everything, which could have made him a spoiled brat but it didn't, because Draco is too cool for that. Draco it turns out always wanted to be a dragon, in fact, he asked his dad to make him a dragon, but his dad wasn't able to. (#moneycan'tbuyhappiness [A/N: credit to the best]).

The train arrived and we took the boats over.

The four of us walked hand in hand into the great hall.


	2. Hat Time

I'm only writtng dis cus I giot 500 reviwz

**DISCLAIMER**

Me: Harry do the disclaimer!

Harry: No I have to save the world

Me: Okay I will kill Ginny (and you didn't end your sentence with a period).

Harry: NOOOOOOO he does NOT own Harry Potter or dragons!=

_dis is a line_

Last time-

The four of us walked hand in hand into the great hall.

This time-

NOOOOO- he said.

YYYYESSS- he said.

NOOOOO- he said.

FIIIINEEE- he said.

Now for your scheduled program.

The ceiling of the great hall was magnificent.

I would know. I'm awesome.

We stood in a bunch in front of the great hall. Draco on my left, Hermione on my right and Neville riding on my shoulders as a blanket. Draco was whispering in my ear: "the only reason why I came to Hogwarts was because of the motto, Durmstrang has a really stupid one about 'being your best' and sunshine and flowers. There are no dragons in that one."

I nodded sagely. Little did he know, but I came up with the motto nine years ago when the school was looking for a re-branding.

Hermione nodded too: "they came up with that motto nine years ago- I read it in Hogwarts a History."

"Know it all..." Ron muttered darkly from the side.

Finally it was time for the sorting.

The sorting hat opened up its clothy mouth and began to sing.

[A/N: I'm not going to write a song because I have to save my writing prowess for the story, so just imagine a song about the houses and the founders to the tune of Breaking Free from High School Musical]

Finally it was time for the actual sorting.

McGonagall walked up to the front of the hall with a long list. She opened her mouth, and began to sing. "You will come up to the stool when I call your name." She was singing because she wanted to be an Opera singer when she retired from her post at the school. "The list has been sorted in order of awesomeness today, so that the awesome people can be called up first." Obviously you know who was called first: "Harry Potter!"

I strutted up to the stool and put the hat onto my head. The last thing I saw was the entirety of the school staring at me. Little did I know that I had started glowing and levitating.

Confusingly, the minute I put on the hat I was transported into an odd white room where a lady was waiting for me. "Hello," she said, "I am lady Hogwarts! I am here to welcome you, my heir."

I asked her if that meant that I was related to a castle.

"Yes, a long time ago, castles were just really fat people, I am what Hogwarts would look like if I ever went on a diet. Did you ever wonder what the house elves do with the extra food? They feed it to me."

There was a pause. "What about the founders?" I asked.

"The founders were just the wizards and witches who trapped me here in Scotland."

"Well, that was great, thanks for welcoming me here." I said.

"Because you are my heir, you will be sorted into a whole new house representing all of the school, I will call it - PUFFINCLAWDOR"

She (in the voice of the hat) shouted the last part out to the whole school.

There was a rumble in the great hall. All of a sudden a table rose out of the ground into the middle of the hall. It didn't stop rising.

"MY HEIR WILL HAVE THE MAGICAL FLOATING TABLE OF HOGWARTS AS HIS DINING PLACE!" My ancestor exclaimed to the hall.

Aw Yea. #tableballin

I used my flying powers to fly at three times the speed of a light year to the table, where an amazing feast was already waiting (who wants to wait for all the others?).

Dumbledore stood up: "Harry Potter, you must return the sorting hat to the ground so that the sorting may continue."

I asked the hat if I had to return it to Dumbledore, and it told me I could have it back to wear after the sorting.

"Well, Mr. Dumbledore. I will return the hat to you as long as I can wear it after the sorting."

I flew the hat down to the stool and sat down to watch the rest of the proceedings.

Hermione was up next. "DORRAVEN!" The hat exclaimed (that means that she gets to be in both Ravenclaw and Gryffindor).

Draco was third: "HUFFLECLAW!" (You probably get what that one is).

The castle heard my unsaid wish and added: "THOSE BOTH GET TO SIT WITH MY HEIR AS WELL."

I whisked them both up to the floating Hogwarts table and we quickly got down to the feast, ignoring all of the regular students staring up in envy at the food.

The rest of the students were all sorted, and Ron Weasley was at the very end of the line. "STUPIDHUFFLEDUNGEONS!" The hat exclaimed, and Ron was whisked off to rot in the dungeons as a stupid Hufflepuff (not a smart one).

When the sorting was done I zoomed down to the floor and picked up the sorting hat for my use. What can I say? It's soft and warm for my ears.

Draco was explaining to Hermione the Thermonic Ranger why he was disappointed that he was in Huffleclaw.

"Well I kinda wish I was in Slytherin. I figured that if I couldn't be a dragon then at least I could be a snake..."

"You can see what it's like to be a dragon though, and eat food up high when you're flying!"

"That's true! Perhaps I should pretend to be a dragon when eating!"

Dumbledore said something, but he was drowned out by the growling and bursts of flame coming from Draco and Neville.

The dishes all magically disappeared; and it was time for bed. Because no one else was in our super special houses we got to have our own rooms. Mine looked like a room in a castle. Draco's did too. Oddly enough, so did Hermione's room.

We had a group meeting before we went to bed. I started with a snazzy opener: "as the Heir of Hogwarts, I decree that I get a private room!"

Hermione and Draco looked at me. "Um, Harry, you already have a room?"

Aren't I _great_? I was able to make my decree happen _before_ I ordered it! I pointed this out to the pair of them, and they were both suitably impressed by my skills. With that, the first meeting of the four friends was adjourned, and we all went back to our rooms to sleep.

In my dream I dreamt that I was a dishwasher. I worked in a restaurant, and everyone kept on putting dishes into me and then taking them back out again before I could properly clean them.


End file.
